It’s a question I’ve been asking myself every day. How much more? In times past, come what may, I would always tell myself, “I’m stronger than this.” Sometimes it has worked greatly to my advantage, allowing me to push on through difficulty towards final victory. Other times, it has worked greatly to my disadvantage, as I’ve pushed on, causing greater damage, leading to eventual defeat. It’s hard to know which you’re supposed to do. With the latest trials of health, I’ve asked myself how much more I can seriously take. The past two weeks have been a miracle. Each day, I’m ready to give up. I’m ready to lay down and never get up again, to fall asleep and never wake. But every day, I look at my family…the family God gave me, and I say to myself, I can do one more day. How much more? One more day. If not for them, I would have given up hope completely. The depression that seeks to overtake me like a lion preying upon a helpless calf brings daily battle into my life. As emotionally disconnected as I am, these feelings still rush over me. Every morning, I wake up, not knowing how much more I can take.
But there’s another “How Much More?” In the face of these trials, battered by physical suffering, bruised by rampant emotions, and vexed by my inability to do anything about about it, God asks me something. I keep asking myself how much more I can bear, and God asks me how much more I will trust Him.
“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” – Matthew 7:11
I know I’m evil, and yet, despite the evil within me, I desire to give to others. I’m still fighting my trial for the people who haven’t given up yet. It’s exhausting, but I fight. And God says to me, “Look how hard you’re fighting. How much more do you think I’m fighting for you? How much more do you think I’ll provide for all of your needs?”
This week, we determined, regardless of the fact I have no health insurance, we had to get testing done to try to resolve the cause of my malady. The cost would be high, but we had to know. Wednesday, I went to the hospital for a CT scan and some tests. We haven’t yet heard from the doctor about the results, but today I did see a notice from the billing department of the hospital.
My God DID supply all my needs according to His riches in glory. Sometimes working in full-time ministry wears me down. I look at people around me getting paid and living comfortably. Then I look at myself and start doubting things I already know. Then God steps in and reminds me the benefit of being in His employment keep me alive here, and assure me an even higher standard of living in the age to come…eternal life. His insurance department came through on this bill. I can trust Him to take care of everything else too.
Thank you to every one of you who have prayed and cared. You’ve made a huge difference. And to those of you who have given to help cover other expenses, may your reward be even greater.
We love you all.